some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
