if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
