I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
