wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
