Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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