Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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