I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
