I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
