did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
