I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
