Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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