Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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