"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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