i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
