I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
