so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
