I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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