I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
