Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
