It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
