My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
