I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
