I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
