I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
