Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
