if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
