I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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