My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
