Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
