I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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