a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
