Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
