i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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