Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
