My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
