I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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