I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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