He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
