i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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