And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
