He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
