im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
