It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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