On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
