i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
