Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
