I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
