I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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