I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
