my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
